


nobody move, nobody get hurt

by sawuhs



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humour, M/M, also top!Loki, and semi-explicit sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:03:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1243843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sawuhs/pseuds/sawuhs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Tony meets Loki around the time he first built Jarvis. They get it on but nobody tells Jarvis that people having sex can sound like they're dying in bed. So Jarvis calls the cops, and Tony has to have the talk with Jarvis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nobody move, nobody get hurt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaverikLoki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaverikLoki/gifts).



> Mav made me do it.

Tony has never felt more accomplished in his life. For the first time ever, he’s managed to build an AI that he has installed into his house. He’s tested it out, and it works absolutely brilliantly. He thinks it rather very intelligent, and therefore named it ‘Just A Rather Very Intelligent System’. But JARVIS, or Jarv, for short. The best thing about Jarvis is that he has an English accent.

And for the first time ever, he’s also going out on a date for the third time with a very darling guy he met at a bar about a month ago. His name is Loki, and boy, he is hot as _fuck._ You know what three dates mean. Tony is totally getting laid soon. Getting laid aside, Tony has honestly never met anyone he’s liked so much. To Tony, Loki is simply perfection. It doesn’t matter to Tony that Loki has had a rather grim past. The past is the past, and Tony adores Loki for who he is now. The best thing about Loki is surprisingly not his English accent, but his wit. Though Tony considers the accent a plus.

He swears he does not have a thing for English accents.

x

The date goes spectacularly well. Tony doesn’t not get drunk (he was so wasted the first night he met Loki, it was almost sad, and honestly, he doesn’t even know why Loki gave him his number), and no one ended up crying (that was Loki on the second date, when Tony somehow managed to get him to talk about his past), and more importantly, they have decided they’d be official (Tony was sceptical about getting into a relationship, and Loki wasn’t sure if he was ready for one after all that he’s been through).

It was just a simple date, really. They had food at some burger joint, then went for a movie. Now Loki is over at Tony’s place, and they’re making out on the couch.

In Tony’s opinion, it’s pretty fucking ace.

x

Somehow they manage to make it to the bedroom. Tony doesn’t exactly know how since his feet never once touched the ground. For Loki’s stature, he’s surprisingly strong. Tony finds that insanely hot; he’s never had a man carry him before.

That being said he’s pretty sure they broke about a dozen objects trying to make their way to the bedroom.

Well, at least they’re in the bedroom.

x

Loki’s touches are cool in a way that would usually make people flinch away from, but it makes Tony shiver, rather delightfully too. That’s why when Loki’s fingers are trailing up Tony’s thighs, Tony is purring, eyes locked on Loki who is grinning wider than Tony has ever seen before. And just as Tony thinks Loki can’t get any sexier, Loki kisses up Tony’s cock, and takes the entire length into his mouth with one swift move.

Tony arches up, breath escaping his lips, his own fingers pushing into Loki’s hair and grasping there, tight, but Loki seems to like it so that’s okay.

x

See, the one thing about Tony during sex is that he gets progressively loud. It’s the complete opposite of Loki, who really remains rather muted apart from the occasional dirty talk, but that’s pretty much it. So by the time Loki has ready Tony ready for his cock, Tony is keening so loudly Loki swears he can come from Tony’s noises alone.

But because Loki believes that Tony will beg prettily, Loki makes sure that begging is exactly what Tony does. Tony was completely against that at first, saying something along the lines of how a Stark never begs. Needless to say the moment Loki brushes the tip of his cock against Tony’s entrance, Tony’s body is visibly begging even without Tony’s consent. Tony gives in eventually, imploring for Loki to just fuck him already and _please._

With a laughing kiss, Loki finally takes Tony by the hips and drives home, making Tony cry out in pleasure, already begging for more, more, more.

x

Through it all, Tony can barely think. Though he manages to actually form a proper sentence in his mind: Loki is definitely a sex god of some sort.

Which, coincidentally, is also what he is thinking just as Loki is both jerking him off and thrusting into Tony at a pace that easily pushes Tony off the edge.

Which, unfortunately, is also the moment the bedroom door slams open to reveal a couple of heavily armed police men.

Well, isn’t that awkward.

x

So apparently, some English gentleman called up the police tipping them off with what sounds like incredible seriousness, or sarcasm (they really couldn’t tell, but came anyway just to be sure). The caller said something about his dad sounding like he was in shit ton amount of pain (not in those words but everything gets lost in translation somehow), and that some other guy was in the room with him.

Obviously the police didn’t think that gay sex was a thing so no one told the caller that sometimes people getting boned sound like they’re dying.

Anyway, that’s how the police appeared in the room the moment Tony was having a glorious orgasm.

Fucking Jarvis.

x

Of course the police men weren’t blind enough to see that no one is actually getting stabbed in the bad sort of way, so they left rather awkwardly while saying that Tony should probably give his kid the talk.

Luckily in the past month Loki has also grown to know that the robots/AI that Tony makes are referred to as Tony’s kids. Otherwise Loki would probably have flipped the fuck out and left.

It would have made Tony very, very sad.

x

Much to Tony’s annoyance (and Loki’s amusement), the sex has to be put on pause in before Jarvis freaks out again hearing Tony being not-murdered by Loki.

Tony could do two things: one, program it into Jarvis that just being Tony is screaming doesn’t mean he’s dying; two, actually give Jarvis the talk.

He chooses the latter, only because he is in absolutely no mood to think about equations right now.

It’s a fucking disaster.

x

It went something like this:

Tony: Jarvis, I was not dying.

Jarvis: Sir, you sounded like you were so I thought I would call the police just to be safe.

Tony: Yes, well, thank you. But I wasn’t dying.

Jarvis: I do not understand, sir.

Tony: Okay, look. When people are attracted to each other, sometimes they have this thing called sex.

Jarvis: And your point is?

Tony: Don’t sass me, Jarv. What I’m trying to say is people have sex. They make noises.

Jarvis: I thought you were dying, sir.

Tony: Damn it, Jarvis! I wasn’t ‘dying’. I was being fucked, very brilliantly too, mind you, and certainly not dying.

Jarvis: Sir, you sounded like you were dying.

Tony: I don’t sound like I’m dying when I’m being fucked!

Loki: You do scream and yell a lot.

Tony: You’re meant to be on my side!

Loki: But I am.

Jarvis: So am I not supposed to call the police the next time you sound like you’re dying?

Tony: Urgh, I swear to god. No, Jarvis. You do not call _anyone_ the next time I am having sex.

Jarvis: But what if you sound like you’re dying?

Tony: Then chances are I’m probably being fucked, for god’s sake!

Jarvis: And what if you’re actually dying?

Tony: Then let me die in peace!

Jarvis: My security system does not think that is a good idea, sir.

Tony: For crying out loud, Jarvis! Just. Argh! You. Loki, you stop laughing. And Jarvis, I will deal with you in the morning. No more calling _anyone_ tonight.

Jarvis: Even if you’re dyi-

Tony: Even if I’m dying!

x

In the morning, while Loki is still asleep, Tony goes to fix that whole problem with Jarvis (without actually speaking to it this time, thank you very much). It’s then that he feels even more accomplished before.

Because he’s gotten laid by someone he really fancies, and also because he’s pretty sure Jarvis is perfect now.

P.S. The sex. It was great. It was so fucking great.

P.S.S. Once Loki wakes up, they’re totally going to go at it again. It’ll be amazing.

P.S.S.S. And Jarvis may or may not be calling the cops again because Tony totally forgot his morning coffee before he dealt with Jarvis.

**Author's Note:**

> Mav also promised fanart for this fic. [SHE DID IT.](http://maverikloki.tumblr.com/post/78022754160/nobody-move-nobody-get-hurt)


End file.
